Sunday, 4 October 2015


I will express this here. Not on deviantart because even there I feel so exposed.

I feel so comfortable with you it's insane.
Can I say I love you? I love really easily but I can't say we are love yet. It has just reached a week since we both made our feelings clear. It's way too early to call what we have as 'love'.
But do I love you? Yes, in certain moments though, when you are so gentle with me, what is there not to love? When you ask if I'm alright because you're showing me all these things I've never known before. It warms my heart so much to know you can be so gentle and caring. But I'm not scared with the things you show me, it's weird. You make me feel so safe, so comfortable.

But nonetheless after the tension subsides, I'm left slightly disgusted in myself in exposing myself to you so quick and in so much. You constantly say you can't believe I can be like this, you say it with a smile and I question whether you regret it but you say you don't with an equally cheeky smile. I don't know whether to believe your words, whether you even know deep down whether you regret the fact that I'm different to what you expected. You will look at me differently because you know I'm different from the girl you thought you knew, and the thing that scares me is not the things we've done, but what you think of me. Whether your desire for me will change as your view of me changes.

Because in all honestly, I'm slightly disgusted in myself and even my view of myself has changed so how could yours not. Even I never knew this side of me that you managed to bring out in all the security you provide. And in that it scares me a bit. No you don't scare me in the act itself, really it's just the perception of me as a person now that scares me. No longer that conservative girl. I mean I can be non-conservative alone but I've completely exposed myself to you like this is completely not me. And in that, yes, in that is what scares me. And for that, we must slow down because other than the fact that I feel safe with you, I don't feel safe with myself.

You are a good boy, incredibly good. The right balance between good and bad. We do bad things but we remain moral. We've been moving so quick physically it's started to scare me. So quick only because I feel so comfortable with you. You make me feel like it's natural to feel all these things, I don't feel judged, but yet, I still judge myself. And I know we need to slow it down, and you know that too. And what more, I know I can't control myself and I put all my trust in you to control us. You told me that's the line, last night was the furthest we would ever go for now. And I really needed to hear that, that you felt the same way. But what warms my heart even more is that you said that to protect me, not because you were disgusted in the things you saw in me. You didn't want to take advantage of this innocent conservative girl, you felt guilty. And I don't want you to feel guilty because it's a negative feeling I don't want you feeling, I want to protect you from all the negative feelings. It definitely was mutual, you instigating it though. And every time you say you feel guilty I make sure to let you know that you shouldn't feel guilty. I'm sober, maybe not mentally sane with all the lust of the moment, but I was sober.

You are incredible you know? The way you love to cuddle me from behind and kiss me on the forehead. The way you call me cute all the time, the way you love my giggles as you play with my tummy and tickle me. The way you know how to take things slow so that I never freak out too much. You just know the right pace to take things, with a girl who's a flight-risk, it feels like no risk at all with you. Most of all I just love the way you make me feel safe and comfortable around you.

I wouldn't call any of these things love because it's the love of what you do for me, and that isn't love. But I'll learn to love you, your soul, your being, your everything. I'll learn to love you in no time at all. What I'm starting to love first is how gentle you can be with people, how you love animals and children. You have a kind caring heart. Sure you have your impatience and rudeness at times, but flaws make us human and I will learn to love you flaws and all.

When I'm in your arms I stare at you, blurring eyed with a smile and often you would ask me 'what' and I would ask you 'why can't I just look at you with a smile'. With that question I think you found your answer and you no longer question why I look at you like that. It's the look of I-can't-believe-I'm-in-your-arms and I-can't-believe-you're-here. It's the look of I-want-to-make-sure-this-is-real. That's why I stroke your face, because I want to make sure it's real. That you're real.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Take Him Home

Most reckless I've been since October,
reminded by the touch of the opposite sex,
and reminded of the craving of such touch.

NY by Khomenko
by Khomenko
Casually took home a boy last night. But things are not as they seemed. He was nice enough to send me and my friends home after our long night out, literally partied out until the sun came out. He was also complicated enough to want to stay over at mine as it was so late (or early I should say), where I gave him the guest room downstairs to sleep in. 

Taking a few shots, I hadn't partied this hard since October when the kiss with that other boy happened, and it still haunts me in a twisted magical and horrific way. To be held in someone's arms, someone you have slight feelings for, was an amazing feeling. To be reminded that despite the fact that I'm so driven in focusing solely on myself, the craving for the opposite sex can never be truly extinguished.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Big Cities, Big Dreams

Perth, the underrated city of talent...

Pumping Blood by applesttarPumping Blood
by applesttar

Adelaide Kane, main actress in hit TV series 'Reign' is from Australia. That I knew. And that I talked about in my previous post. But. Adelaide Kane, a famous actress who starred in hit movies such as thriller 'The Purge', is a Perthian. A girl who was born and raised in Perth, Western Australia, before moving to Melbourne to cast in Soap Opera: Neighbours, and then eventually moved to where she is now, LA. The city of Angels.Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

This isn't the only famous celebrity who's surprisingly a Perthian. Heath Ledger, one of Hollywood's biggest names, was born in Perth. Gemma Ward, renowned model was also born in Perth. And finally, and not exhausting the list, Hugh Jackman was once a Perthian too. Not born in Perth but his performance journey began in Perth, back in 1994.

It simply is amazing, if not inspiring, how such a small city, that has been so underrated as of late, has produced some of the greatest names. For that, I am proud to be a Perthian. And it proves that it's not only in big cities, where big dreams can come true. They can begin in a small city just like Perth, a city that didn't have Zara or Topshop until a few months ago. A small city that is only getting their first Krispy Kreme shop later this month. A small city that has not been touched by too much of outside influence.