Sunday, 14 September 2014

Dear Mr. Heartbroken

I screwed up.


I've screwed up three times, and only after the third time did I come to the realisation of this. Boys, I hated drama that came along with them because it meant I was going to either break someone's heart or get my heart broken, or both. I avoided it but that didn't help, they still ended up with broken hearts, not shattered but damaged.

All along I thought honesty was the way to go, when they approached me about their feelings, that to tell them I kind of feel the same was a good move. Because I understand it takes them a lot of courage to confess their feelings, and to let them know it's alright, I would reveal them that it's not completely one sided. But when my mind is a constant jungle of mess, telling the truth was to let them into my messing mind, eventually leading them into heartbreak because I wouldn't end up letting them into my heart wholly.

My best friend pointed this out, and finally I've learned, though I haven't led them on (making sure they knew that was the last thing I wanted to do), telling them I also like them but not wanting a relationship is pretty much just as bad. To give them hope but end up shattering those hopes because of my own inner problems of commitment was wrong. Though unintentional, they still ended up getting hurt, though I've been honest all along, doing everything in the hope of goodness, of avoiding any breakage... I was still stupid and foolish. I shouldn't have revealed too much.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Unemotional Flaw

Apparently I'm like a brick wall sometimes...
But is it really as bad as he makes it sound?

white noise by jenansulwhite noise
by jenansul

You blame me for being unemotional, like you're talking to a brick wall sometimes... But I just like controlling my emotions and staying positive. I tell you all my emotions, I just don't show them on my face. Isn't that good enough??

'The world doesn't get better being negative. There's two sides to life and you 
choose which one you want to live'.

I know one of the major flaws of a Sagittarius is that they are unemotional, my brother is definitely like that too, also a Sagittarius. But I like being in control, and being happy. Why spiral into an emotional mess when you can control it and be happy? I'm stronger that way. What's wrong with being emotionally strong? You say when I'm like that, I seem fake... but if you know me, you know it's not an act, it's me.

I guess you never really knew me, and never truly will. You say that the next guy I do this to (not close my doors on the guy, because he wanted a chance, but only later for me to to realise we're not compatible and then feel it is the right and responsible thing to do is to tell him I don't feel the same way) will be very unlucky. Ouch! That damn well hurt when you said that. Because all I ever wanted was not to hurt anyone, not to hurt you. And I made that all well and clear from the very beginning why I never wanted anything: I don't want to break any hearts and I don't want a broken heart either. And you turn around and imply that I've made you an unlucky guy. Thanks. Just because I can't give you what you want, doesn't mean you're unlucky. People get rejected everyday, in million times worse ways than I have. I guess you're inexperienced with this stuff, and it hurt your pride. And it's your damaged ego that's talking. I'll let it pass, because I'm a bigger person that way. 

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Let Him Dance

In celebration of Father's Day I would like to 
share my father's recent bizarre frustration with me...

Philosophical Sheperd by ShakilovNeel

My father told me two nights ago, that I must change my ways or he will have no idea how I will end up... probably lonely and sad. But what he's telling me to change is bizarre. He is telling me to change the way I care about people, how I think for them. I guess it does make sense that when you care too much you can end up hurt. But this is me, and I don't see how being an extremely loving and caring person is necessarily such a bad thing. He wants the best for me, and knows caring doesn't get people to happy places in a dark world that we are in. He called me naive and got frustrated at me. And my mind understands where he's coming from, it's Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...just my heart that doesn't. My heart cannot possibly comprehend this seemingly bizarre idea and make it stop caring for the people that I feel I should care about.

For the sake of finding a guy who will love me, he wanted me to lead him on and let him "do his dance and perform", in essence, allow him to continue pursuing me despite no longer having any romantic emotional attachment to him . All this so that I can decide whether his performance was sufficient for me to accept him and love me forever. But when they perform, I feel the obligation to pay for his performance, I can't just watch and then leave. After he shows his love by pursuing me, I feel the need to return the love and accept him. I will be pressured.